Author: CHARLES MCKINNON

The tavern is rowdy as ever. Drunkards, nobles, politicians and scum all mingling. Whispering. Trading secrets and coin and cons. Huddling together in conspiratorial groups, the comings and goings of Stragosa muffled by the songs of the bards in black, the Beggar Kings, regaling the lot of them with tales collected, dreamt, and conscripted. Music: the memory of the land.

B

This song is a good song
and
I see you grin, despite yourself.

For a moment they see me. See us.
For a moment none of it happened.
The fire is warm on my face
I feel the bench under me
Solid
Grounding

I taste the lust
Dancing at the corners of my mouth

Our skin is hot, alive
Our hearts skip
Skip
skipping
across the veil between here
And there

Here
now
In this single moment
I am home

F

I find you flickering here
You are almost
The color
Of living.

Living is
Sharp and grating–
Against the cool
The calm and the dreary
That is death but then
There’s you.

Infatuated with a song
That remembers us
And smiling
Like you were always wont to do.
Smiles are cheaper
Now
Somehow
And even in death
You are beautiful when infatuated.

Such as was
Always between us–
Sharp and stretched and scratched
Though sometimes tender–
No longer can I expect
The warmth
Of blood
Under the skin
We are nothing
And I reach out to touch you
As I had never had the chance
Before.

I like it here
With you
I long
For your eyes
To remember me
As they
Remember
Our names.

B

And the world is electric now
Beautiful fire from my fingertips to my teeth
Your eyes are so much more blue than they once were
I fall into them like the well of the sky

And then
I see a girl
Younger than most
In the corner of the tavern
And her eyes are mooney wide

I wave at her
And her lips part
In breathless
Awe

I see your eyes catch hers
Watch your expression shift
And shimmy
Like a cat
With too many fleas

F

I toss a wink like a coin
And gaping she gasps and blinks
And rubs the phantoms from her eyes–
We are gone.

And turning to smile this smile
Hard and bitter won
On you
I rise.
What freedom in Death, no?
Words are not words
And there is no breath here–
Nor gravity to hold me down
And my feet dangle
Toes
Inches
Above the table.

Stretching hands to you
Like olive branches–
How we fought in life
Like mutts over bitches in heat
But here–
I never got to dance with you.
Show me how you dance to our song.

B

And my grin goes walrus wide

I take your hand
In my hand
And my hand
In yours
And

And

And

We waltz the uppercut tango
And foxtrot through the fox’s den
I am you and you are mine
In this night sings
The Wet divine

This dance
Which is our first dance
It would have gone differently
Had we been constrained by meat

And Physics

F

Such things we are
Beyond
The dead Undying
Tossed in stormy skies
And howling
It’s not
So bad
Here
I can almost feel
Your hands
In on around tightly gripping
Mine.

How easy to
Collapse
Together
Where the music swells us up on drifting winds
I wish
I wish
I wish we had–
Oh well.

I can now
Lay my head
On your shoulder
And breathe in
This gentle crook of your neck.

B

And as we drift
Sideways and upwards
In this place
That is Stragosa
And is the black and starry sea
I hear the chords fading
And applause beginning to thunder thump
From below

I barely notice the tavern drifting away
A half remembered dream
From a life I no longer live

I hold you tight
My lioness
And our skin forgets how to be skin
We become
What all lovers would be
If they were not told
They had to be two
Instead of one

My heart and
Your heart
Beat

F

And beat–
Like living drums beat
We two
Dancing out of realm of gods
And beggars and kings–

B

And beat
Like wings beat
Into the sky and into dark
we fall
Careening up

B+F

What a brilliant fall it is
Of whorling clouds and singing seas
And dreaming dreams
Alive–

Are we alive?

Alive….

Alive as the storm sweeping the city
Alive as the wind tugging playful at trees
Alive as raindrops wetting knees
Bent in the grass to recover some overlooked treasure–
Alive as deer tip-toeing through brush
Alive
Alive
Alive as
Unseen night

I look to my hand and it is your hand
I hear my laugh
And it is your laugh
And know that skin
No longer contains the idea
That is us

Trees and rivers pass beneath
Millers, blacksmiths, bards
Each taking their path through the night

And we look down
And feel
The slow and ancient
thrum
Of the world

This place is our place now
The dark seas of unmaking
Will have to wait

Death is a forgetting
And we
Will not be forgot.

—-My Own Blue Eyes—-

And you
my own blue eyes
I know you can hear me
You can always hear me
Every thought
Every fear
Every
Weakness
Belonged to you
But
You never saw me
Only a mirror
Of everything you wish you could be

Is that why you
always hated me?
Almost as much
As you hated yourself?

I will never forgive you
Not after everything
You did
Everything you
Never did
And now
You walk a sunlit path
For the first time in a dozen years
You Wear your own face

While you look upon my death hole
I watch your lips and
I cannot not feel the tender words
Dance across my skin
But I taste your tears stain
my grave
Like You
They are
brackish
And vile

Poor you
Poor fucking you
You pitious wretch
So selfish
For yourself
You could never see how I was
Myself
Selfless

The festering sun
Threatens to tear me from this world
A final time
And all you can see
Is what
You
Have lost

But I
Finally
see you now
Like you have never seen me

I am
always
watching you
protecting you
Saving you
Always
By your side
In your every thought
And every fear
You have shown me your love
My Own Blue Eyes
And I will show you mine

My Good Friends

I wait until morning
To see my good friends
And
I am so excited to see them again
And
Hear their warm smiles
And
see the melody of their laughter
And
They would see me
And
I would be real
And
They do not come
And
And
And

. . .

The smith is always smiling. He is happy to see me, happy to see everybody. He is my friend.
He has crafted a hundred magnificent daggers in a thousand beautiful shapes. Each a gift, each a seal of friendship. He would stand by me in arms and I knew my brother had my back.
But he is not here. He didn’t come.
Should I have let him burn?

. . .

The dawn breaks
An evil molten green
And spills like syrup
into the sickly sweet corners of the world

I want to stay
more than to breathe
But my shadow is too dark
And I cannot see the sun

Cobwebs and dust crowd out thought
And inch by horrible inch

I

am

G oNe

. . .

The Tailor’s needles and knives were almost as sharp as her smile. I loved her when she held a dagger to my throat. I loved her when she slipped bread from her parents caravan to feed her starving friend.
In those days there was nobody to tell us
That we couldn’t fly
So we did.

But when I finally let go, finally trusted her with everything I had-
She flew away.

Why do I keep trusting people when all they do is break your heart?

. . .

This world is a silent place
memories drift downward with the crisp smell of falling snow
How many of these were me?

My edges are slipshod and jagged
Unweaving and unwound
What I am just
melting in the thaw

But

I am not done here

You will not deny my story
I will not permit it
So

So last night
I went to see you
Tomorrow

And I taste the mothflame light
I hear your faces in the evening glow
A rattlechain dance of beer steins toasting
Smilies and smiles and warm hearthen fires
And I cannot help but smile
As I am come back to you
And we will laugh and sing and be friends once again

But

But

But

You look through me
Around me
And past me
And my heart drops leaden frogs into my guts

See me
Please
Just see me

Fucking Look!

I am real

Aren’t I?

But not one of you will claim the cold place at the table
So
Whether you know it or not
You do see me
But are too blind to look me in the eye.

Fucking
Cowards

. . .

The nights in the hall we shared
Were some of the best of my life
The alchemist cackled
High on her own medicine
While the gunsmith polished the beautiful brass
Of a new masterpiece

But of all of them
I trusted you the most
My brother in knives
You watched each of us when you thought we were not looking
As your hair grayed at the temple
With love
You are a better man than you know
And I am sorry you are so lost

But even you
Even you were gone when I needed you the most

She died
And I died
And we would be standing here still
If you had not abandoned us
To the alter of the vanity
And your failure

If you had been there with us
We would be here still

You will never find what you seek
You useless
Wretched
Fuck

. . .

I hear my song
It cuts through the dust
And makes me real

it is a good song
And the world goes from red to a soft waxy glow
I can disappear
Really, truly disappear
And for a moment, everything is finally right

Thank you

.
.
.

But
nothing
can last forever

And with the applause I awake from the dream
Of a world in which I’m still here

And fall hard and bloodied
In this too loud place
Where my mind begins it’s
kaleidoscope
Cracking
And now the world
Is forgetting my face
And my name
And if I was ever real
To begin with

. . .

My Minstral
when she came
You said nothing
Did nothing
You just disappeared

And let her swallow my heart
And my life

Keep singing my song
I hope it lets you hide from your shame

It’s no wonder you will not meet my eye

Yet

. . .

How?

My friends
How are you so happy?
Did you hate me that much?
To laugh and smile
And refuse to even see me

All While I cannot taste the rancid sun

I flee from this wicked joke
Back to the sky
Where the wind does not care
If I am alive
Or dead
Or never was at all.

What did I do wrong?
I tried so hard
I made so many friends

Didnt I?
I just thought…
Thats what you
Do
You make friends
You take care of your
Friends
And your friends
They take care of you

But
I am not real
And only real people get to have friends

I’m sorry
I’m sorry I wasn’t enough

For you
For any of you
If I had tried harder
Done more to be seen
Maybe I would have been
Worth
Saving

I just…

I I
Love Hate
You

A
L
L
So fucking m-

. . .

Oh dearest captain
I remember how you would jump
When I came silently from behind
And your tankard would fly
Spinning and spilling
casting ale to the winds
But we always smiled
And talked of distant shores
And distant dreams

You know

I never told you
But it was your hat that gave me the courage
To make my own

And yet you sailed away
Like all the rest

. . .

No

I deny you

This is not how I end
I will not fade
I will not be forgotten
I exist
I fucking exist

And you cannot steal that from me
Not anymore

My story isn’t done
I will not be denied!
My will shall be wrought upon the world
And all will know my name!

I am your good friend
I am savior of the poor
Diplomat and scoundrel
Wizard and buccaneer
Master and slave
Loved and feared

I am

I

am

I…

I am her smile
Sharp and
Undying
Even now

She calls me
To become unmade
And join her in the silence
And the dirt

I begin to let go
And the mothflame flickers

once

Twice

And I am ready

She is waiting for me waiting
To set sail
Where we will dance forever
upon our nameless ship
Through a vast and a nameless sea

And I am ready
I am

I

Am

Balthazar di Carrivaggo

I am the sky and
the lightning and
You will know name
From now until
The end of time