My Good Friends

I wait until morning
To see my good friends
And
I am so excited to see them again
And
Hear their warm smiles
And
see the melody of their laughter
And
They would see me
And
I would be real
And
They do not come
And
And
And

. . .

The smith is always smiling. He is happy to see me, happy to see everybody. He is my friend.
He has crafted a hundred magnificent daggers in a thousand beautiful shapes. Each a gift, each a seal of friendship. He would stand by me in arms and I knew my brother had my back.
But he is not here. He didn’t come.
Should I have let him burn?

. . .

The dawn breaks
An evil molten green
And spills like syrup
into the sickly sweet corners of the world

I want to stay
more than to breathe
But my shadow is too dark
And I cannot see the sun

Cobwebs and dust crowd out thought
And inch by horrible inch

I

am

G oNe

. . .

The Tailor’s needles and knives were almost as sharp as her smile. I loved her when she held a dagger to my throat. I loved her when she slipped bread from her parents caravan to feed her starving friend.
In those days there was nobody to tell us
That we couldn’t fly
So we did.

But when I finally let go, finally trusted her with everything I had-
She flew away.

Why do I keep trusting people when all they do is break your heart?

. . .

This world is a silent place
memories drift downward with the crisp smell of falling snow
How many of these were me?

My edges are slipshod and jagged
Unweaving and unwound
What I am just
melting in the thaw

But

I am not done here

You will not deny my story
I will not permit it
So

So last night
I went to see you
Tomorrow

And I taste the mothflame light
I hear your faces in the evening glow
A rattlechain dance of beer steins toasting
Smilies and smiles and warm hearthen fires
And I cannot help but smile
As I am come back to you
And we will laugh and sing and be friends once again

But

But

But

You look through me
Around me
And past me
And my heart drops leaden frogs into my guts

See me
Please
Just see me

Fucking Look!

I am real

Aren’t I?

But not one of you will claim the cold place at the table
So
Whether you know it or not
You do see me
But are too blind to look me in the eye.

Fucking
Cowards

. . .

The nights in the hall we shared
Were some of the best of my life
The alchemist cackled
High on her own medicine
While the gunsmith polished the beautiful brass
Of a new masterpiece

But of all of them
I trusted you the most
My brother in knives
You watched each of us when you thought we were not looking
As your hair grayed at the temple
With love
You are a better man than you know
And I am sorry you are so lost

But even you
Even you were gone when I needed you the most

She died
And I died
And we would be standing here still
If you had not abandoned us
To the alter of the vanity
And your failure

If you had been there with us
We would be here still

You will never find what you seek
You useless
Wretched
Fuck

. . .

I hear my song
It cuts through the dust
And makes me real

it is a good song
And the world goes from red to a soft waxy glow
I can disappear
Really, truly disappear
And for a moment, everything is finally right

Thank you

.
.
.

But
nothing
can last forever

And with the applause I awake from the dream
Of a world in which I’m still here

And fall hard and bloodied
In this too loud place
Where my mind begins it’s
kaleidoscope
Cracking
And now the world
Is forgetting my face
And my name
And if I was ever real
To begin with

. . .

My Minstral
when she came
You said nothing
Did nothing
You just disappeared

And let her swallow my heart
And my life

Keep singing my song
I hope it lets you hide from your shame

It’s no wonder you will not meet my eye

Yet

. . .

How?

My friends
How are you so happy?
Did you hate me that much?
To laugh and smile
And refuse to even see me

All While I cannot taste the rancid sun

I flee from this wicked joke
Back to the sky
Where the wind does not care
If I am alive
Or dead
Or never was at all.

What did I do wrong?
I tried so hard
I made so many friends

Didnt I?
I just thought…
Thats what you
Do
You make friends
You take care of your
Friends
And your friends
They take care of you

But
I am not real
And only real people get to have friends

I’m sorry
I’m sorry I wasn’t enough

For you
For any of you
If I had tried harder
Done more to be seen
Maybe I would have been
Worth
Saving

I just…

I I
Love Hate
You

A
L
L
So fucking m-

. . .

Oh dearest captain
I remember how you would jump
When I came silently from behind
And your tankard would fly
Spinning and spilling
casting ale to the winds
But we always smiled
And talked of distant shores
And distant dreams

You know

I never told you
But it was your hat that gave me the courage
To make my own

And yet you sailed away
Like all the rest

. . .

No

I deny you

This is not how I end
I will not fade
I will not be forgotten
I exist
I fucking exist

And you cannot steal that from me
Not anymore

My story isn’t done
I will not be denied!
My will shall be wrought upon the world
And all will know my name!

I am your good friend
I am savior of the poor
Diplomat and scoundrel
Wizard and buccaneer
Master and slave
Loved and feared

I am

I

am

I…

I am her smile
Sharp and
Undying
Even now

She calls me
To become unmade
And join her in the silence
And the dirt

I begin to let go
And the mothflame flickers

once

Twice

And I am ready

She is waiting for me waiting
To set sail
Where we will dance forever
upon our nameless ship
Through a vast and a nameless sea

And I am ready
I am

I

Am

Balthazar di Carrivaggo

I am the sky and
the lightning and
You will know name
From now until
The end of time