What am I doing?

*The following is scrawled in Vernon’s Journal*

What am I doing? People are depending on me. Not just my siblings, the people of this town. I made them a promise in front of God and Lurian of not doing harm, and I broke that. How can they in reasonably put their faith in me. I asked for their forgiveness and all I was given was a continuation of what I was doing. That’s not enough, obviously, because that didn’t keep me from doing it in the first place. These new priests that have come to town, thank God, already feel more like priests than I do. They’ve been devoted for so long when I’ve just come into the faith a bit over 2 years ago. Even the gatherers feel more useful than what I do. Why do I even try? What am I even trying to do anymore? Why am I leading things on such a spiritual level? I came to help this town to ensure I and my siblings had a safe place away from my parents, not…this. I thought I’d be helping, not leading. I think I’m the one that needs help. Even among all these people, this town of my choosing and its inhabitants, I feel so alone. I need to be strong, to be wise, to be…good, but I’m only human. I want for appreciation, for the comforts of the world, for acceptance. Why don’t I feel that? What’s missing? How do I even figure any of this out? I have no one to guide me, to lean on in the way that I need. How many people need to die for the answer I’m looking for? How many times do I need to mess up before it’s enough?

I guess the only way to find out is to move forward, but that feels so much like defeat already. Like I’m a fool going into a situation I know is going to end badly. At least I think I know. Maybe I don’t know. Maybe there’s some hope in that. God I don’t know anymore.

…I miss my parents

*tears stain the paper this is written on*

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