I tell myself that all of the bad things that have ever happened to us in Luisant were for the best, in some twisted path that brought us all together. I tell myself this lie because it lessens the sting of all my regrets. I tell myself I won’t make anymore mistakes, but it’s a lie. Is it a sin to lie to yourself?
We all almost died. Pascal is yelling for fighters in the next room as a man sized rat attempts to rot away my shield.
I stare at Hugo holding the line in front of them from behind a force fall I can not pass. I can not help them and I hope he can.
I am shoved backward into acid as Fabron holds the line in a corner.
I have never been so scared in my life. I foresee that in an instant the tide can change and half of us will be gone. These people trust me to protect them but the reality is, we are protecting each other. Barely most days. They all stepped up to survive and I am so incredibly proud of them. But I almost got us all killed because I thought we were stronger than we are.
“Sometimes I worry I would let everyone die for you. If I had to choose. And it scares me.”
He walks in and I feel the nervous anxiety I get from Thomas. My chest tightens and my vision narrows. My hands tremble at the thought of killing him. Could I even kill him? Would I? Should I kill them both?
What the fuck has happened. How did I let this happen?
I regret telling the truth. I knew I should have kept it from him. I should have tried to do it myself.
Another regret to the endless growing list that is my existence.
… I just want to disappear. Instead I rest my head on the table in the tavern and try to push it all down for another day.
Tell me how to fix this without violence… they don’t.
I’m a shit leader and an even more shit boss. Alex and I don’t connect. I feel like I am constantly letting him down. He is a great guy and is out there doing great things. He takes the initiative and tries to check in. And I just… kind of shut down.
He lists all of the ongoing problems and asks what we are doing about them and… I just want to disappear. The list gets longer and longer every time.
I sit here arguing with a sword, who is a person, about how to succeed this time. They talk about sacred guns and cannons and castles and I am just not the person for this.
You picked the wrong person Mael Judoc. I push it off on Isabel. Again. At least this time I think she will enjoy it.
“You’re so brave. You saved us.”
“You’re such a good fighter.”
“You saved us.”
Each one a little cut.
You don’t even see me do you?
“I feel separate from everyone else,” I say at the table. Marinette and Sophie look at me like wounded animals. Like I’ve told them a secret that I should have kept to myself.
I drift further and further away each day. Each secret pushing me ever closer to the edge. It’s not even their fault.
I think about killing them both again. I think about killing Father Vellet. I think about killing Thomas. I think about killing Chiropoler. I think about killing my friends. I spend all of my time thinking about killing.
“You aren’t a person to me.”
At first it stings and then I realize what he means.
But I don’t see myself as a person lately either. I see myself as a sword and shield. A simple set of tools full of murderous intention. I don’t exist for anything other than to protect these people and I nearly failed.
I have failed. I failed my best friend.
I can’t even do what I am supposed to be here for… God must be so disappointed.