Sleepless nights of studying, the order and etiquette of interacting with those with the highest amount of coin, the responsibility thrust upon me with the expectancy to fail all I became accustom to growing up. The thick miasma of stress, anxiety, and mental strain became like fresh air to me in those years. Even in my success there were those who looked down on me. Picked apart my accomplishments to either make themselves feel better or to make me work harder. I hadn’t resented them back then for I was only trying to follow their rules and play the game I had no choice in playing. However, in this crisp, cool, Nordic air among the sliver of freedom I’ve somehow earned myself, I’ve gained equal parts clarity. Those who called me brother, or friend, or ally back then were not what they claimed to be. We were bound by circumstance, not family, endearment, or cause as they would have me believe.
In this northern war-torn city, where crisis is abound, I’ve reunited with people I can actually call friend, brother, and ally. Those whose family we share, whose values align, and, potentially, whose endearment can flourish. Those of the Furguson clan, who hadn’t been so lucky or keen in their appeasement of our country’s occupants as I had, still see me as one of them, despite my time away. The standard barer of the clan I’ve, somewhat unceremoniously, joined sees me, in someway, as a partner in his and his clan’s endeavors. There’s something here that I was missing back in Dunland under the Rogalians. Is it the sincerity of everyone’s actions? Is it possible that the people around me are actually trying to do what’s good for everyone, not just their people? Even as I write that, I know that can’t be it. It might be the chaos and tension that’s in the environment that forces people to prioritize survival, but wouldn’t that make people more selfish? This is something that should be studied.
Regardless, things are different now, and it has made me realize how destructive and oppressive my previous environs were. I knew not of an alternative, or even how to change the things that were slowly killing me. It took a disaster to give me the clarity that I need not endure the things I cared not to. I looked for help and found reprieve here in the north. I hope it lasts and that this change of perspective helps me find that which I can hold fast to.
