What the tides can’t feed

Week 1
The sun is back.

Not just the light—but the heat. The kind that sinks into the stone and smells like dust and old iron. I opened the shutters today and didn’t flinch. The wind doesn’t bite anymore. It nudges. It’s easy to forget how quiet warmth can be.

And just when I thought I might enjoy a few days of peace—

Butch arrived.

He showed up grinning like he’d punched summer into existence, covered in coal dust, dragging a crate of something that definitely wasn’t wine, and shouting that he’d “brought refreshments and muscle.” I didn’t invite him. He came anyway. Said the mines were closed for repairs or flooding or ghosts—I’m honestly not sure. His accent gets thicker the happier he is, and he was *very* happy.

The wards were thrilled. Damascus offered him a bath (he declined). Cassius took one look at him and said, “Ah, a bear in man’s trousers,” before locking himself in the pantry with his journal. Dong Quixote attempted to spar with him using broomsticks. That ended with three broken chairs and Butch swearing loudly that “Hestralians bruise like plums.”

He’s taken up residence on the floor beside the hearth. No bed. Just a blanket, a jug, and whatever gods keep Dunnicks from throwing their backs out. He snores like a dying forge and sings in his sleep. Loudly.

And yet… it’s good to have him here.

He talks too much and eats like a famine’s coming. But he keeps the silence away. He asks nothing of me, expects even less, and still makes space like it’s instinct.

He saw me watching the shutters this morning. Just nodded and said, “Hard part’s over. Now you breathe.”

Maybe he’s right.

—-

Week 2
The walls don’t echo as much with Butch here.

He hums constantly—tuneless, wordless things that sound like mining songs or drinking chants or both. He fixed the loose hinge on the cellar door without being asked. Didn’t even say anything about it. Just whistled, hammered, nodded like the door had won some sort of test.

I caught him teaching Dong Quixote how to throw a proper punch using a sack of flour and a stick with a smile painted on it. The sack burst. The stick snapped. Everyone is still covered in flour. Cassius compared the scene to “a moonlit duel between foolishness and fate” and immediately tripped over a bucket.

The kitchen has never been louder. Or funnier.

I should be irritated. The bar isn’t packed. The forum crates sit half-filled. My checklist remains half-finished, my bottles unpolished, my hands too idle.

But I’m not angry. I’m breathing easier.

Butch doesn’t ask about Santiago. Not directly. But I think he sees the space he left behind. I caught him once, looking at the rum glass Santiago always used—the one I never put away. Butch didn’t say a word. Just picked it up, rinsed it, and used it himself like it was any other cup.

Like I didn’t have to keep holding the ghost of someone who’d already left.

Maybe he’s the first person who didn’t expect me to pretend.

He won’t stay long. He’s already talking about returning to the mines. About a match in the next town over, some loud thing with sweat and bets and broken noses. I won’t stop him. It’s not what he’s for.

But I’ll remember what it felt like—just for a little while—to laugh again without it catching in my throat.

—-

Week 3
Butch left this morning, loud as ever, promising he’d send word if a fight went his way. The door slammed behind him like a punctuation mark I wasn’t ready for.

The quiet returned immediately.

I walked through the rooms, half-expecting to hear his hum or the scrape of boots on stone. Instead, only the wind answered.

The forum looms closer now. The crates sit heavier, the bottles weigh more. Every small task feels like wading through a fog thicker than the morning mist. I’m restless, pacing, polishing, arranging—over and over—trying to carve out order from chaos.

Cassius is still sulking in the corner somewhere, muttering poetry about lost heroes and broken promises. Dong Quixote is practicing his “strategic flour sack defense,” a gift from Butch that now serves as an impromptu weapon. Damascus is inventing new cocktails with names I don’t trust.

I envy their noise.

I miss Butch’s blunt comfort—the way he didn’t demand explanations or sympathy, just showed up and stayed loud. I miss his easy presence, a reminder that life goes on, even when it wants to stop.

The rum bottle Santiago left sits on the shelf. I touch it sometimes, but I don’t drink. Not yet.

Tomorrow, the work begins in earnest. I’ll need every scrap of strength.

But for now, I let the silence stretch.

—-

Week 4
The air feels heavier this week. Not the warmth of summer, but something darker—like a storm brewing beyond the hills.

Whispers have spread through Runeheim like wildfire. Raids, thieving bands, strangers prowling the alleys after dark. The kind of trouble that doesn’t announce itself with fanfare. It creeps in, bites, then disappears before anyone can catch its breath.

Tomaso shut down his warehouse quietly, locking the gates and turning away anyone who came asking. No explanations. Just a terse shake of his head and a warning glance that spoke more than words ever could.

I’m concerned for him. For what he’s protecting. For what we all might lose.

The forum can’t come soon enough. It’s meant to bring coin, connections, safety—but what if it only draws more eyes? More hands?

I’ve kept the wards close, tightening their strength, but they feel thinner these days. Like a shield with cracks you can’t see until it’s too late.

Dong Quixote has taken to pacing the halls with an intensity that borders on obsession. He claims it’s “to keep watch, to ward off the shadows.” He’s clumsy and loud, but there’s a fierce loyalty in his eyes that steadies me more than I expected.

People whisper when they think I’m not listening, eyes flicking to the shadows. I clean the glasses with shaking hands, telling myself the forum will turn this tide. That I’m not alone.

The city is changing.

And I’m not sure it’s for the better.

—-

Week 5
The city feels heavier with every passing day, but it’s not just the looming threats or Tomaso’s silent warnings. It’s something deeper—a hollow ache that gnaws at the edges of my mind.

I find myself drifting back to the islands of Hestralia. The scent of salt and spices carried on warm breezes. The crowded markets bursting with color—fruits piled high, merchants shouting over each other, the clatter of coins exchanged with quick hands. The heat that clings to your skin, the laughter spilling from every corner.

I miss the noise. The life. The chaos that made everything feel possible.

Here, the stone streets are cold beneath my feet, even in early summer. The shadows cling too long, and the silence presses too close.

Dong Quixote, ever dramatic, has taken to loudly rehearsing heroic speeches in the middle of the house—claiming he’s “warding off the dark with the power of words.” Damascus insists he’s concocted a new stew “so potent it’ll scare away any thief or worse,” but it mostly smells like burnt cinnamon and desperation. Cassius broods in the corner, delivering scathing critiques of both men’s efforts, all while nursing a glass of mulled wine like it’s the last thing keeping him from dissolving into a puddle of frustration.

Their ridiculous bickering breaks the weight of the silence, reminds me that even here, I’m not alone.

The forum edges nearer, a chance to shake free from this place, or at least to make it bearable. But the fear of what waits in the shadows grows stronger.

I worry for Tomaso still—what risks he’s facing, the risks he’s taking, what battles he’s already lost in silence and the impending possibility of battles to come.

And beneath it all, the longing for home hums quietly, a steady ache beneath the noise and worry.

—-

Week 6
The city’s undercurrent has shifted from whispers to murmurs of hunger. Stealing isn’t just petty mischief anymore—it’s survival. Faces once familiar now shadowed with desperation, hands once steady now trembling with need.

I hear stories of families going hungry, of mothers trading what little they have for scraps, of thieves who don’t want to take but must. The market stalls have grown sparse, the usual clamor replaced by tense silence.

Tomaso’s warehouse remains shut tight. No one comes or goes, and the usual flow of goods has stalled. It’s a quiet, unspoken sign that the cracks in Runeheim’s safety are growing wider.

Inside the house, the others try to distract me from the weight of it all. Dong Quixote insists his latest poem will inspire the starving masses to courage, though the delivery is more comedic than stirring. Damascus’s “secret aphrodisiac blend” stew is still a constant, though few dare eat enough to be convinced. Cassius, in his usual fashion, declaims grand speeches about honor and sacrifice—while eyeing the last piece of bread like a hawk.

Their noise is a shield against the gnawing emptiness. I cling to it, knowing that soon the forum must bring more than just coin—it must bring hope.

Because if it doesn’t, desperation will grow into something darker. And Runeheim may not survive it.

—-

Week 7
The forum is almost here, and with it, the frantic chaos I both dread and need. The house is a madhouse of last-minute preparations and absurd distractions.

Dong Quixote has appointed himself the official “inspirational bard,” which means every few minutes he bursts into a booming recital of heroic verses—mostly about how “the might of Runeheim will outshine the darkest night!” The only problem is he insists on performing in various stages of undress, claiming it “enhances the emotional impact.” The furniture hasn’t quite forgiven him.

Damascus, meanwhile, is convinced he’s discovered the ultimate secret ingredient to end the city’s woes: a stew so potent it will “ward off hunger and thieves alike.” The smell, however, suggests he may have simply invented a new form of biological warfare. Even the rats are avoiding the kitchen.

Cassius, ever the dramatic critic, spends most of his time delivering theatrical tirades about honor and survival while glaring daggers at both Dong’s poetry and Damascus’s cooking. Yet somehow, he always manages to sneak a bite of that cursed stew when no one’s looking—and then complains loudly about how it “ruins his palate.”

Amid the ridiculous bickering, I find brief moments of relief. Their noise cuts through the tension like a blade, reminding me that even in the darkest times, life still goes on—messy, loud, and stubbornly alive.

The forum looms ahead, promising coin and maybe even a flicker of hope. For now, I’ll hold onto this madness. It’s the only thing keeping the gnawing hunger and shadowed streets from swallowing me whole.

—-

Week 8
The summer sun beats down on Runeheim’s cold stone, but no warmth travels all the way in. The city feels distant, sharp-edged, like a place I’ve been dropped into rather than one I belong.

I miss Aurelia.
Not just the spoiled, indulgent cousin who’s wrapped up in wine and luxury, but the spark I remember from when we were younger. The fire she commands at the forge, the reckless brilliance that feels so far from this gray city. She’s still in Hestralia, lost in her world of decadence and flame, and I ache for the part of me tethered to her—tethered to that distant home I left behind.

Santiago feels like a fading shadow, slipping further out of reach with every day that passes. And here, surrounded by walls that seem to absorb the heat, I search for something real to hold onto.

The forum approaches, a distant hope. More than coin, I need something to remind me I’m still here—that I still belong somewhere, even if it’s not this cold, lonely city.

—-

Week 9
The days are full now, frantic with preparations. Bottles are cleaned, wards checked, and supplies packed with care. The forum edges closer, a weight settling on my shoulders that I can’t shrug off.

I’m nervous—not just about the crowds or the deals, but about being seen again. It’s been so long since I felt like I belonged anywhere, like my smile was more than a mask. What if I’ve forgotten how to be more than the roles I play? What if the cracks in my act show?

Still, I’ll wear the mask. I always do. But maybe this time, I’ll let it slip—just a little. Maybe I’ll let someone see the woman beneath it all, even if only for a moment.

Aurelia remains far away, lost in her world of fire and excess. Santiago is gone, a ghost I carry quietly. And Tomaso—he’s been busy lately, seemingly rallying his own band of brigands. I hope to hear from him soon, see how he’s holding up.

Here, in Runeheim, I stand on the edge of something new, unsure if I’m ready but knowing I can’t turn back.

The forum will come and go, but what matters is what I take from it—the coin, yes, but also the chance to find my footing again, to remind myself I’m still here, still fighting, still alive.

—-

Week 10
The forum edges closer, and the days fill with endless preparation. The tension in the city is thick, but my three “wards” keep the chaos lively enough.

Last night, Butch came back to visit—loud, grinning, and carrying a fresh stash of Dunnick ale. His booming laugh broke through the quiet like a thunderclap.

Dong Quixote, ever the self-appointed sentinel, was patrolling the main room, dramatically quoting old poems and inspecting every corner like a knight on watch. Then, right as he stopped to announce some grand proclamation, he sneezed so violently that Cassius nearly dropped his cup of wine in surprise. The whole room erupted into laughter.

Damascus shook his head, muttering something about “losing the art of subtlety,” while Butch laughed until tears rolled down his cheeks, joking that Dong was “allergic to dignity.”

Dong, not to be outdone, tried to save face by reciting a poem about “silent guardians and restless boots,” which was mostly nonsense but earned a round of amused applause.

Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll try to check in on Tomaso and see how he’s managing with the warehouse locked tight against desperate thieves. The city may be on edge, but at least I’m not alone in it.

—-

Week 11
Butch’s visit stretched well over a week, his hearty laughter filling the room and chasing away some of the days’ weight. The three “wards”—Dong, Cassius, and Damascus—were more trouble than protection, but they kept the place from feeling too quiet.

Dong decided it was time to “boost morale,” which meant launching into one of his infamous dramatic monologues about his “glory days” as a charms-for-hire. He paced the room like a stage actor, throwing in wild gestures and sighs, insisting it was “to remind us what true dedication looks like.” Cassius rolled his eyes but couldn’t help smirking, while Damascus muttered something about “less drama, more actual work.”

Butch, never one to be left out, interrupted with a booming Dunnick war cry—half drinking song, half battle yell—and slapped his knee so hard he nearly knocked over a crate. That sent Cassius into an impromptu narration of their “battle for survival,” painting us as heroic warriors fending off invisible invaders.

Damascus, meanwhile, had concocted a new “secret weapon” — a pungent herbal smudge meant to clear the air and keep spirits high. It smelled like a strange mix of pine needles and something vaguely medicinal, and when he lit it, the smoke quickly filled the room. Butch coughed but laughed and declared it “a fine way to clear out both bad air and bad moods.”

Despite the city’s hunger and locked warehouses, these moments of absurdity remind me I’m not alone.

—-

Week 12
The morning arrived crisp and bright, sunlight sneaking through the shutters like a quiet reminder of the day ahead. Butch stayed for breakfast today, insisting that a proper meal could set the tone for whatever madness was coming—and honestly, I wasn’t about to argue.

Dong was already up, polishing his old knives with an intensity that suggested he believed they’d send thieves running, though I suspect they’d barely scare off a stray cat. Cassius, true to form, was composing an ode to the morning’s light—something about “golden hopes and Runeheim’s stubborn heart”—which he dramatically declaimed between mouthfuls of bread.

Damascus, meanwhile, was back at it with that herbal smudge he introduced last week, waving the smoke around like a sorcerer performing a blessing. Butch just chuckled, promising that if the smoke didn’t scare off the desperate thieves, his fists certainly would.

Santiago’s memory grows fainter with each passing day, like a shadow dissolving in the morning sun. I catch myself reaching for him in quiet moments, only to find emptiness instead. The ache remains, dull but persistent.

—-

Week 13
The city feels restless these days, shadows lengthening not just from the setting sun but from the worry threading through every corner. The talk of raiders and thieves has grown louder, sharper—and even Butch’s booming laughter can’t quite drown it out.

The three wards have their own ways of dealing with the tension. Dong, convinced that spirits can be lifted by sheer volume, has taken to singing old sea shanties at odd hours, much to everyone’s surprise—and Cassius’s endless delight at having an audience. Damascus, ever the chef, tried to invent a “morale-boosting” stew again. This time it involved an alarming amount of fermented cabbage and something suspiciously sour. Butch tasted it, nodded grimly, and declared it “an acquired taste” before chasing it down with a slug of rum.

I find myself watching the horizon more often, wondering what’s coming next. Santiago’s absence feels heavier in these moments—his steady presence a quiet shield I no longer have. And in the quiet between the chaos, I catch myself missing my cousin Aurelia too, imagining her surrounded by the luxury and decadence she so desperately loves, far away in Hestralia while I stand here, caught in the storm.

I’ve even begun to wonder whether I should extend an invitation. Not out of sentiment—though I do miss her—but because Runeheim could use a blacksmith with her skill. If the city’s going to keep fraying at the edges, we may all need someone who can forge something stronger.

She’s never set foot in this place. I’m not sure she’d even know how to walk through the mud without cursing the ground. But the thought lingers.

The forum edges closer. There’s no turning back now.

—-

Week 14
The forum is nearly upon us, and the city hums with a kind of nervous energy. It’s in the way the vendors tighten their stall ropes twice over, the way the guards linger longer near alley mouths. Everyone’s preparing—some with skill, others with sweat and crossed fingers. I don’t know which I am anymore.

The wards, predictably, are little help. Dong insists we need a rallying cry for our stall and has taken to painting dramatic slogans on anything flat: “Wit Before Steel,” “Nephele Knows Best,” and, bafflingly, “Come for the Drink, Stay for the Drama.” He tried to sneak one onto Butch’s back by pinning it with a fish hook through the collar. Butch didn’t notice for half an hour and then wore it like a badge of honor, demanding someone explain what “morale” even meant.

Cassius is in full pre-forum performance mode, strutting through the house rehearsing monologues that have nothing to do with sales and everything to do with himself. This morning, he asked whether he should greet customers as a tragic prince or a misunderstood pirate. I told him to try being quiet.

Damascus has thrown himself into “culinary innovation” again. His latest invention was a pickled mushroom and onion jam he described as “bold, defiant, and sensual.” I told him it tasted like regret. Butch, of course, asked for seconds, said it “tastes like someone lost a bet, in a good way.”

There are moments now when I go a whole day without thinking about Santiago. His absence is still there, but it no longer presses so heavily against my ribs. It’s quieter now, like a scar beneath clothing—still part of me, but no longer the first thing anyone sees.

And Aurelia…

I’ve been thinking about her more. I miss her. For all her wine-soaked dramatics and impossible standards, she’s still family. She would loathe Runeheim. Gods, she’d scream about the mud and the lack of silk sheets within an hour. But still—I’ve been wondering if she’d come if I asked. Not in writing—I can’t write, and she never had the patience for dictated letters anyway. But maybe Tomaso could carry word. Or I’ll send something with a merchant. A bottle of something expensive. Something Hestralian. A reminder.

She’d laugh. Then she’d come just to complain in person.

And maybe that’s exactly what I need.

—-

Week 15
Tomorrow, the forum opens.

The air has changed—not colder, not warmer, but tighter, like the city is holding its breath. Every conversation in the street ends with a glance over the shoulder. Even the wind seems to carry anticipation in its teeth.

I finished setting up what I could. Checked my supplies twice, then once more just in case Cassius had rearranged anything to make it “aesthetically powerful.” He hadn’t. But he did leave a feathered hat on the counter that he insists will make him “approachable but enigmatic.” I told him he looked like a confused rooster. He took it as a compliment.

Dong has started shouting inspirational quotes to “energize” the team. This morning’s gem: “Courage is just panic that knows how to pose.” He followed it with a triumphant backflip attempt that ended with him crashing through one of Butch’s old stools. He’s fine. The stool is not. Butch mourned it like a fallen comrade and declared he would carve a replacement “using only his fists and a rock.” I hope he was joking. I fear he wasn’t.

Damascus has decided we need a pre-forum meal to “bind us in shared spirit.” His dish involved dried fish, roasted pear, and something he called “sun-touched nettle foam.” I’m not sure what any of that means, but it fizzed. Loudly. Cassius ate it dramatically and declared himself reborn. Dong refused entirely and tried to barter for Butch’s pocket jerky.

And Butch—he’s been here the whole week, lending his strength where my patience failed. He and I barely speak about anything serious. We don’t need to. He shows up when he’s needed, moves what must be moved, fixes what breaks, and deflects trouble with a grin and a threat in equal measure. He doesn’t ask questions. He just stays.

I’ve hardly slept. Not from fear—just… readiness. I’ve lived through worse. I’ve survived worse. But it’s strange to think I’ll have to stand in front of strangers again, smile like I’m not hollow in places I haven’t dared name, and try to sell not just goods, but myself. Not that way. Not like the wards once did. But in the sense that I’ll need to be someone again. Someone worth speaking to. Worth remembering.

Maybe I’ll be her. Maybe I won’t.

Either way, tomorrow, I open the door.

And I step into whatever comes next.

Baby it’s cold outside (Nephele Journal)

Week 1
The cold has returned, creeping into everything. The wind bites. The stone walls seem to whisper, hollow with the sound of nothing. Winter in Runeheim feels less like a season and more like a judgment. The silence outside is the same as the one inside me.

I keep thinking about Santiago.
He hasn’t said it, not directly, but I see it in the way his hands linger on the edges of things—his pack, his coat, the ship manifest he pretends not to study. He’s leaving. Back to the sea. Back to wherever he calls home.

And I—I’m staying.

I could’ve asked him to stay. Gods, I could’ve told him the truth. That I needed him. That the thought of him leaving made it hard to breathe. But I didn’t. I smiled. I laughed. I acted. I’m good at pretending. I’ve always been. Hestralia taught me that—how to use charm like armor, how to turn pain into performance.

He never saw the desperation. Not once.
But I think about it now, in the stillness. How easy it would’ve been to lie, just a little. To say I needed help with the wards, that the bar couldn’t run without him. I could have invented any excuse. Why didn’t I?

Why wasn’t I selfish?

Week 2
The fire barely keeps the chill out. Santiago moves like a man already halfway gone. And I still say nothing.

Every moment feels fragile. Every word we speak is wrapped in pretend ease, but the goodbye is there, always humming beneath it. I clean obsessively, organize the same bottles and linens again and again just to stay moving. Just to stay sane.

I want to scream.

Instead, I smile and pour him his favorite drink. I tell him stories like I’m not breaking. And he thanks me, like I’m doing him a kindness, not carving out my own heart and handing it to him wrapped in honey and lies.

He still doesn’t know. And maybe that’s my fault.

Week 3
I caught myself reaching for his hand today. He didn’t notice. Or maybe he did and let it slide. We’re living in a soft denial—one we both know will end with the tide.

I hate him for leaving.

No. That’s not fair. I hate myself for letting him.

Tomasso mentioned the forum again—just once, in passing, like he knew better than to press. He said Runeheim changes with the thaw, that things bloom here when the snow pulls back.

Maybe. But right now, everything inside me is frozen.

Week 4
Santiago’s departure is close now. I watch him sleep and wonder if this is the last time I’ll see him like this. I memorize the slope of his nose, the rhythm of his breath, the way he murmurs my name in dreams. I want to wake him. I want to beg him to stay.

But I won’t.

When he wakes, I’ll smile and hand him tea. I’ll joke about the weather. I’ll watch him go like it’s just another errand. And then I’ll break, alone.

Week 5
He’s gone.

I stood on the dock, hands clenched inside my sleeves, head high. I watched him walk away and never once let him see me cry.

I should’ve stopped him. I could’ve.
I could’ve told him the truth. That he made this place bearable. That I didn’t care about the sea, or his home, or his promises. I only cared that he was here. With me.

But I didn’t. I acted.

I waited until he was gone before I let myself fall apart. Now the rooms are too quiet. The bed too cold. The silence in Runeheim no longer just surrounds me—it lives in me.

Week 6
I tried to lose myself in routine, but the wards won’t let me.

Three grown men—once Hestralia’s finest charms-for-hire—now under my roof and somehow more exhausting than they ever were in their prime. I took them in out of pity. Or guilt. Or loneliness. I honestly don’t remember anymore.

Dong Quixote still walks around half-clothed and dramatically quoting his old client poems like someone’s paying to hear them. He insists it’s “for morale,” but the only morale it affects is mine, and not in the direction he thinks. Damascus Steele, who used to have noblewomen eating out of his hand, now insists he’s become a master chef. He isn’t. If I hear the words “secret aphrodisiac blend” again while he’s dumping cinnamon into stew, I may bury him in the snow. And Cassius A’Nuevo—gods help me—he just broods in the corner like a sulking cat, chiming in only to criticize the others, or recite dramatic soliloquies from his stage days when he’s had too much mulled wine.

They are loud, stubborn, petty, infuriating… and I care for them.

I feed them. I keep them warm. I referee their absurd arguments about whose pillow is softer or who snored during whose shift. But they don’t know what it costs me. They don’t see how much I’m carrying, how every little act of care is done with trembling hands behind a practiced smile.

And still, they remind me that I’m not alone. That I’m needed. That I’m still here.

And they remind me I need coin. The forum is coming. I need to put food on the table, refill the stores, earn enough to keep us through what’s left of winter. I need to be seen again—not for Santiago, not even for the wards—but for me.

Week 7
I’ve begun preparing for the forum. Slowly. Carefully. The bar won’t run itself, and the wards certainly won’t do anything useful. Packing the bottles, checking the mixes, cleaning the linens—it helps. It gives my hands purpose when my heart still feels heavy.

I’m not ready.

But I can’t let the memory of Santiago be the only warmth I carry. I need something new. Someone new, maybe. Not to replace him—he was never mine to keep—but to remind me I can still feel.

Maybe there’s room for someone else in this space he left behind.

Maybe.

Week 8
The snow is thinner now. Meltwater runs in quiet little rivers through the stone alleys. People are talking about the thaw like it’s a miracle. I don’t feel it yet.

But I’m trying.

I have to believe that things can change. That I can.

I’m not expecting love. I’m not even expecting kindness. But maybe there’s someone out there who will make me feel a little less like I’m pretending all the time. Someone who won’t need a performance.

I’ve lived too long in silence. It’s time to speak, to laugh, to feel again.

Even if just a little.

Week 9
We’re nearly ready.

The booth is packed, the bar supplies arranged, and the wards are… marginally less useless than usual. I may actually survive this trip without throttling one of them.

I’m afraid. Not of the travel, not even of the forum, but of being seen again. What if I don’t know how to be charming anymore? What if my smile cracks too easily now?

I’ll wear it anyway. I always do.

But maybe this time, I’ll let the mask slip—just a little.

Maybe I’ll let someone see the woman behind it.

Maybe it’s time.

A letter to my son

Dear son,

Eighteen years ago, I left you asleep in your cradle next to the bed I shared with your father. Never had I imagined you’d be at my doorstep now. I envisioned a safe life for you, far away from me and the insanity of your grandfather. A life where you were raised to be a strong man, a sane man, well taken care of with a full belly to warm you each night.

As a mother, it’s in most of us to have a nature to seek out what is best for our children. You, young Trygve, will do better without me to poison your life. Leaving you is what was best, staying far from you is what is best, your father was meant to be what is best for you. He wa kind, he was caring, he was loyal, and he was so much more than I could ever be for you.

I left you with the name of my father in hopes that you’d clear it, make it whole, and leave a proper and proud legacy behind for him. A legacy not of a broken man who has lost himself, his wife, and his only son also named Trygve.. all because of me, you see? I’m a curse. I brought all this I’ll fortune upon our family.

When my mother gave up her life to keep our bellies full, I failed my brother and he fell to sickness because I didn’t know the first thing about caring for a young child. I still don’t, it’s why I left you to begin with. I hoped and I prayed each night that you could thrive and stay far away, alas.. maybe this curse is in my blood and you have now inherited it, despite all of my attempts to prevent it from grabbing hold of your soul.

Here you are, at my doorstep, having tracked me down because the one good person you had has been taken away from you. I’ve promised to teach you all that I can, but I cannot fathom that anything you learn from me will be what you’ll need to survive in this cold world as a man.

I cannot shield you from the terrors of the night, I cannot promise to keep your belly full, all I can teach you is how to be hungry and how to expect that life is a cruel and unforgiving monster. I can teach you about heartache, about lust, about how one day you may fall in love so deeply with someone who may not love you the same way back. I can show you what it feels like to hurt, to watch your people die around you, to pick up the scraps of the careless left behind and try to forge your own life. But is this really something a young man needs?

Will my tragedies be passed down to you? If they are, run. Run and don’t look back, because running away will be the only thing that can keep you alive. You can tell everyone that you are chasing something down, something important, in a hopes that maybe it’ll make you look far less a coward than I. But, I’ll be honest, some days I wonder if I’m even more sane than your grandfather.

I wonder if this life of following Knut for me has only been a distraction from the failings and shortcomings I’ve had all these years. I wonder if anyone else notices and if they do, why haven’t they told me? Is it because they feel sorry for me? If it is, what a pathetic life I’ve lived thus far. This is not the legacy I wish upon you, this is not the inheritance I wanted to bestow.

Find someone strong to be at your side, to keep you safe, and learn from them as much as you can. If your love interest tells you that you need to make 500 gold to marry him, find someone who will love you and respect you instead without stipulations and strings attached. Despite the smile on my face and eagerness to fulfill Knut’s request, despite the begging for his love, deep down I’ve always known he doesn’t actually love me. Let yourself be happy and don’t waste time on those who may not provide you with that happiness.

As a mother’s wish, if you want to do anything for me after I’ve done nothing for you, find happiness and hold it close to you. Don’t let it go, ever. I’m sorry that your father was too weak to stay alive longer for you. And I’m sorry you ever found me.

Also, don’t ever pay the price for goods that you would sell them at, ask to buy it for less. Always sell for more than the price you’d pay.

Good luck, Trygve. I can feel my time here will be ending soon and I hope that you do not join me
It is in your best interest. Stay with Tora and she will teach you all the things I would have.

Winter comes

Tove: Father, you will not believe what I’ve done. Ser Knut has promised to wed me if I earn 500 gold. I would be married to a noble man, we would be so well cared for and not scraping by anymore as we have been. Finally there is an end in site, a goal I can achieve, are you proud?

Trygve: Gods needn’t waste their time with mortal concerns such as gold or marriage, daughter. You were born to inherit so much more than being a simple noble could ever offer you. What would your grandmother think of this mortal behavior, Tove. You need to be living your life in her footsteps, spreading her wrath, embracing the cold that is to befall all these men.

Tove sighs: Here we go again. For the last time, da, you are not the son of Sveas nor am I her granddaughter. How I wish for a moment of clarity from you just this once.

Trygve stares at the woman, eyes wide: I have never seen more clearly in my entire life, Tove. Death is coming, the nights are growing longer, the earth is frozen, our time to thrive nears.

Tove kicks her bag across the floor: old man, you’ll be the death of us both if you don’t button your lips for 20 minutes. There is a reason I don’t bring you into town with me, can’t you see? You’re absolutely mad. Disgraceful. Besides, have you even eaten today?

Trygve: Gods needn’t nourishment in the form of food to stay strong…

Tove: For fucks sake, eat your soup while I run you a bath. Just because you’re the son of Sveas doesn’t mean you need to have the stench of death wafting around you.

Tove rolled her eyes, warming water to bathe the senile old man. He was right, the cold is coming, the food will become scarce, winters are terrifying for us mortals.